Episode 11: Endo gets what endo deserves
One month later…
I’m writing you from the big house. It’s literally a petri dish. That surgeon got every last one of us. I’ve never seen such thorough removal. Literally all of my buddies are here. I’m honestly impressed that you and the Patient figured this out- we’ve stumped people for millennia. Bravo.
The thing I hate most about this though is that all the other chronic illnesses get to keep playing while I’m in the slammer. So here’s the deal: Now that I’m locked up I can give you some pointers from a disease’s perspective to help with future run-ins. A consultant, if you will.
They said good behavior won’t let me out any sooner, but I guess I can at least snitch on the other conditions now that the game is over for me. I wouldn’t want other expert diseases to outlast my reign. That would be just embarrassing.
We chronic conditions, we hate specialists.
If you want to defeat a condition, work with the Eyes and Ears to find a competent specialist. Also we love hostile, inflammatory environments and are highly opportunistic, so work with the other organs to help them realize what is inflammatory to our Patient and work with the Immune System to see what puts her body in the best condition.
We inflammatory guys HATE when the Patient is in good overall condition because it makes our jobs harder. Lastly, we THRIVE on hopelessness. If you want to help the Patient to be “optimistic” and keep “trying” and taking “healthful steps”, work hand in hand with the Heart and remind her of hope. That will make any disease squirm in its seat.
Can’t say that I’m sorry for turning you in. The Patient seems to be doing much better now. I’ve gotten about 90% fewer pain messages since you guys went away. That said, I do thank you for your pointers. I’ll be sure to promote hope. Do you think if you were to get out, you’d be reformed?
Oh hell no. Absolutely not. Once Endometriosis, always Endometriosis. Destruction is in our DNA. I can teach lessons here, but I’d definitely go back to sticking organs together and poking at nerves if given the chance. Even thinking about it gets me riled up. I’m inflammatory and my friends are, too. We compete with each other. We love bonding, both with each other and bonding together organs and tissues.
I don’t know what day I’ll get out of here (if ever), but if I do get out, I’ll go back to torturing. It’s what I do and it’s who I am. Besides, no one would think I could come back, so no one would suspect me. Our friends on the outside have done a tremendous job of spreading all kinds of fake news so that most people don’t really understand who I am or what I am capable of.
No, if I ever have the chance to screw up the Patient again, everyone will say “you can’t be sick, you had surgery” and I will laugh and laugh and laugh. Have fun on the outside, Nerd.